So I'm just sort of relaxing on my bed right now...

Went to therapy today. I like my therapist, she's really nice. Right off the bat, she said in her cheery way, "Do you want to draw? Or... talk? Or both?" So I sat at her art desk with the paper and colored pencils she provided me and just started doodling. Then I started doodling a guy with blue hair and green skin. Casual sort of guy... and as I doodled, I just rambled on... and on... and on. I really didn't look at her... I find it easiest to not look at people when I'm talking about difficult things for me. Instead I just drew and talked. The alarm went off indicating the end of our session... but I just kept talking... and she just let me keep on talking. It must have been hard for her to follow me... I was talking about three or four different things all at the same time... talk about having to keep up with a Gemini... I apologized and told her that I knew it must be hard to follow me... that I'm a Gemini and people usually have to try to keep up... She laughed a little and let me keep talking. I'm glad that I'm seeing her... it gives me someone to talk to. I mean... really TALK to. Thing is... I don't see how talking about issues I'm having is going to help my OCD...

Don't have to go in tomorrow until 10:30. I'm kind of liking that idea.

Paid a bill tonight. Have to write out a check for another...

My mood swings aren't as severe... but they're still sort of there. Was so depressed yesterday... wasn't really sure as to why, though there were a few things I think probably added to it. Went to bed at 10 yesterday and slept until about 6:30, then laid in bed for until after 8. Just couldn't get out of bed... when I did, I played with makeup for a spell... doing subtle stuff. Light foundation, eyeliner, copper toned cream eyeshadow, and petal pink lipstick blotted twice to subdue the color. Very subtle, but strong enough to enhance and add a little edge. I washed it off in the shower...

I went to therapy in black with makeup on... It's sort of my time to experiment with all the looks that I was too afraid to wear back in the day because of what people might think...

Been flirting with a boy at work. Sort of... He was flirting with me... I told him I thought he was cute. He giggled, thanked me and told me to text him. I did... haven't really heard back from him though... I might be working with him tomorrow night though. His name is Gray.

Really... that's about it. Going to write out that check now.

Laters!

I feel strange... right at this moment I feel strange.

Feeling artsy and strange.

Want to draw that thing that I have in my head, unfortunately right at this moment, my ability is not where it needs to be to draw it. So... I'm just sitting here. Laying really... on my bed.

I want to put on eyeliner.

Want to cut my hair off... straighten it and dye it black.

I bought some vests today. I've always wanted to wear vests... over t-shirts, or any kind of shirt really... but I never did... because I thought it would look 'gay'. So I never did, because I didn't want to give away the big secret that I liked guys...

Today I bought some vests.

Friday night, I fucked a man.

Got drunk off champagne with Christian and went to the bathhouse...

I was so drunk... I actually have points that I can't quite remember, and that never happens to me...

Anyway, it was a hot experience. I liked it. I liked having people around me as I did it. One man commented on how cute my butt was as my hips moved back and forth...

"I look in the review and I see dead flowers in the yard
and that string of lights and it's not glowing..."

I had a dialog with myself the other day when I was cutting the grass... about masks and donning a new, more appropriate one...

Made me wonder if I know myself at all... I thought I'd shattered the mask that I used to wear... but I wonder if maybe I actually just started wearing a new one.

If that's the case, I think it might be time for a tougher one...

I don't know what I'm talking about right now...

I'm just sort of letting the words comes as I listen to my music and think... dare I say it... emo thoughts.

The truth is, I want to stand out. I'm tired of blending in. For so many years I played by the books, lurking in the shadows of society, so to speak... trying so hard to be ordinary. To attract absolutely no attention to myself whatsoever. I want to stand out now. I want attention. I want to be memorable, to mean something to someone. To people in general. I want to be extraordinary. I want people to know my name.

In less than two weeks, I'll be on a plane to L.A.. I leave on July 4th. The plan is to arrive there with enough time to see the fireworks in the evening. I want that to be the celebration of a new life. A new start... but I'll only have two weeks there. I keep joking that I'll be discovered there and my new life will start. The thing is... it's not really a joke at all. It's a secret wish... masked by a joke to keep from looking stupid should it not happen...

The truth is... I don't have a plan. I have two weeks with my brother, Christian... Thing is... if nothing happens, which I have to say is the most practical belief... then after two weeks, I'll return here to my ordinary life... where I'll resume my role as a server in a dying restaurant, waiting for something great.

There are more thoughts, but that's all for now.

~End stream of consciousness

Lots has been going on lately... been busy I suppose. Went to Pride yesterday, which was fun.

Considerin a make over.

Latest thing: My mother thinks I'm going through a phase... this whole 'liking guys' thing. ^_^*.

Yep. That's all for now!

Yay!

So... I decided yesterday, just out of the blue, that I'm going to be an actor.

I told my mother, and she was not pleased with my decision, telling me it wasn't practical and all that stuff that mothers say when it seems like their child might be throwing away everything.

So... I decided yesterday I was going to be an actor.

Today I was in a music video for an a new artist who signed on with Universal Records. Yeah, just an extra sitting in the cafe at the beginning, but it's face time, and everyone starts somewhere.

The director of the music video texted me and told me that the stuff I did for the video looked good and they think they'll be able to use it, so that's awesome! I'll be getting a copy of the video for my stuff. She also wants to use me in a photo shoot for a project that they're planning in the near future, when they finish editing the video.

My mother told me to keep my clothes on.

To that I have just one thing to say:

"I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'cause everyone knows that's how you get famous."

Gotta love Lily Allen *_~.

I'm very excited about the upcoming photo shoot! Perhaps I will post the pictures here, as I'm sure I'll get copies of them.

*nods*

That is all!

*grumble grumble grumble*

Yep. That's all.

Time for work ^_^*

Curse these mood swings... they really have to stop ;_;.

I'm just about in tears right now. But I guess they could be sort of happy ones... I can't tell...

I just got a text from J.Z....

"Happy birthday old friend"

I can't believe how much I still miss him... O_o*.

"Do you think I'm being passive-agressive?"

"No... there isn't anything passive about your agression."

"Sometimes I want to stop eating all together."

"I don't think that'd be a good idea at all."

"Why not?"

"Don't ask me stupid questions, I don't have time for them. That's right... put another candy in your mouth, Porkchop."

"Well that wasn't very nice..."

"Where do you think your aggression is coming from?"

"Duly noted and I shall file that under 'Point Taken'."

---

In other, unrelated news: It's not looking like anything is going to happen with Andrew. We hung out at the beach yesterday, and we just didn't really click or anything, so... yeah. I'm actually really bummed about this. I mean, he just didn't seem as into me as he had the night before. I don't know. Going to keep in touch with him though... maybe as my shyness goes away and things progress, we might have something. And if we don't, at least it'll be good to have another friend. *nods*

Well, I'm actually at work now on GLaDOS, so I'd best get back to it...

Later.

Oh my!!

So... tonight I got a call from Bernie. She wanted me to hang out with her and a few friends at this little party like get together...

Ok... was reluctant, because whenever Bernie's involved, things go crazy... like... jail crazy ^_^*.

Anyway, I went. Was asked to pick up some 40s, which I did. Most broke when I arrived because the guy throwing said party dropped the bag.

So... met a boy that Bernie had intended for me to meet. Andrew. He's cute. I mean... like... REALLY cute. Hott. Yes... double 't' hott. He has a great body! So... after talking a little, I agree to go with him to get some things out of his car, which is a few driveways away.

The plot thickens.

So... I drive him to his car. We talk. He offers me some weed.

"But first you'll have to kiss me." He said with a smile.

So... I kissed him. We made out a little ^_^. Great kisser! We then headed to his car, where we made out a little and he told me his whole life story. He told me about this big fight he had with his parents and stuff... then we made out some more. And... I was oozing precum O_o*.

We drove back to the house in his car. There were a lot of people in this other parking lot, so we went back there to smoke, which we did. We then started to make out some more.

This is where things get really interesting.

The person who was throwing the get together...? Yeah. His parents came home. With the two of us sitting in a car at the end of the driveway, making out. Confrontation. Step-dad finds weed and bongs. Asks my name, which I give him. Just first name, mind you, I'm not stupid.

Bong and weed is confiscated and we are asked to leave. Thank god. We leave. I call Bernie to warn her at Andrew's advice. They flee the scene of the crime, but not before step-dad throws things at Blake and kicks him.

Meanwhile, Andrew and I are sitting in his car and he's starting to freak out... not bad... just "What do we do?" and "Did that just happen, really?" He left his jeans (he was wearing shorts) back at the house with his wallet and his phone.

Person who was throwing party gets kicked out of his house. Allegedly after being choked into unconsciousness and then being kicked awake. The others arrive at the parking lot and Andrew and Blake talk to Cody (person who threw the party) while Bernie rushes me and starts talking:

Bernie: "Did you smoke?"
Me: "What?"
Bernie: "Did you smoke?"
Me: "...Yes... but I don't think that..." was going to finish '...is important'
Bernie: *cutting me off* "Did you two FUCK?!" really excited like.
Me: "What?! No! I think we have more important things to think about."

So... everyone splits because we're sure the cops were called. Cody's step dad called Andrew's parents, so now both Andrew and Cody are kicked out the their respective homes.

Before I left, Andrew asked for my number. Didn't have time to give it to him. Told him that he could get it from Bernie.

I left.

Thing is... Andrew is only 19. I think he's 19... I hope he's not Bernie's age... because that would make him off limits... 17 isn't exactly legal.

I don't know what's going to happen.

And me... like an idiot... in a rush of excitement and wanting to share... tells my mom when I get home that he had the weed and all that and got caught with it... and now if he does call, she's going to hate him... so I'll have to think of a something to say... just in case the whole thing goes crazy.

I would like to spend some time with Andrew... at least date a few times if he calls... give him a chance. I've already dated someone 18 years older than me... why not try younger?

The truth is... he's like the only person even remotely close to my age besides The Oracle (and he lives too far away...) who's shown interest in me... they're always over 40... and he really is cute, and he seems very nice... and I'd just like to try it.

Just to see what happens...

Mom has already said he's too young for me... but she's 7 years younger than my dad... and he'd be 8 years younger than me...

Anyway... I think... if he does call... I'll give him a try. Just because we're dating doesn't mean anything has to come of it.

I really liked that we made out without doing anything else... that seems very hott to me, actually. A chance to sort of take it slow... y'know? Kissing seems fast... but it's actually slow for me ^_^*. I would've fooled around with him if I thought he was comfortable with it O_o*. I'm a slut... but I don't want to be... so... yeah ^_^*.

Oh... how fun it would be to go on a few dates!

Ok. Going to bed now. Vai's battery is dying anyway.

Peace out!

Wow... I can't believe it's already Thursday! Part of me is thrilled about this because that means the work week is almost over... and then part of me is not so thrilled because that means that tomorrow is my long day at work O_o*.

I got my ticket to visit The Oracle last weekend of June. Same old stuff around the House of M regarding that. Not really a big deal though. Actually, my mom is handling it much better than when I went to meet David, probably because The Oracle is actually my age, and I've already made it clear to everyone that he just lives too far away to even think about having a relationship with.

I'm pretty tired today... which isn't uncommon lately. I think I just need to really just go to bed early one night and just sleep as long as I can *nods*. Probably won't happen for a while though ^_^*.

The last two days at work have been much busier than they have been, which is really good. I was really starting to worry there for a bit. That doesn't mean we're out of the woods though... if it remains like this, than all will be well.

I'm trying to get my brother to help me set up Final Fantasy XI again... been wanting to play it lately and someone at work plays it a lot, so I'd actually have someone to play it with, which is like the main reason I lost interest so quickly before. It just got boring after a while.

Been really feeling the drag of routine lately... just seems like all I ever do is exactly like what I did the day before... I wake up, use the bathroom, shave, brush teeth, shower, get on the internet for a spell, then go to work... then I come home or go to a hair removal appointment... and then I eat dinner and sit on the couch all night until I go to bed. Even when I do something contrary to the routine, it doesn't feel like it... ugh. I think I'm probably just bored with things at the moment. But that is likely to change, because first week in July Christian and I go to L.A! Yay! That will be such fun ^_^.

Ok, going to get dressed and go to work now.

Laters.

The weekend was fun in PA. Drive there was not fun... a tanker truck flipped on the turnpike, so we were sitting there in traffic for about two hours and I was starting to lose my mind... I really hate just sitting in cars, drives me nuts. Drive back wasn't bad at all though. We went to an art festival, drank, ate, tried to watch some movies... first was boring about King Charles or something... second one was uber depressing... Angels in America. Good though... didn't watch it all. A part really unnerved me... part were the one guy was trying to hook up with this other guy and the other guy kept making him call him Sir. I'd been there before and it just made me feel bad and just... wrong... "Yes." "Yes what?" "Huh? Oh... Yes Sir." Didn't watch the whole thing. We were all tired.

Friday night with Straigh Alan... will be the last time I hang with him, I think. It's really just... not fun for me. First off, he was stalling and was late again. Then his directions were bad, and I kept losing him when I was trying to follow him... then I got pulled over... but talked my way out of it... ugh... then tried telling him I just wanted to go home, but he talked me into it anyway. It was 2 in the morning before we even got to his dad's place. Then we took off our clothes and just started... nothing leading up to it... and he tasted bad... that's the biggest turn off for me. David used to taste bad sometimes... Alan was all sweaty and he'd been drinking all night... and his skin was just all... pasty tasting and gross. Then I fucked him. And I did. I had trouble at first... but I got it. And it was boring. It's stuff like this that makes me wonder about myself... and makes me realize just how abnormal I am... it didn't feel good... it didn't feel like anything. I might as well have been doing nothing. Although... I did start to feel that good burn in my abs from the motion. I was just so bored. Kept looking around at the surroundings as I just... fucked him. I was glad he was on his stomach, because he couldn't see me yawning then. He was really enjoying it though... which gave me a little boost there. But even that got old. And my arms were getting really tired. And then he fucked me... and it was uncomfortable because of stomach cramps... entry hurt. Each thrust hurt. And wasn't feeling very clean at all for good reason... and it was just... blah. Didn't cum, because I never do with Alan. So... He came, and I got cleaned up some and left. Yeah... I think that the next time he contacts me I'm going to tell him I met someone and can't fool around anymore. I'm still sore from it today... and I was still bleeding a little yesterday... which isn't normal for me at all... it's weird.

I confirmed something this morning that I had been suspecting... sexual side effects for zoloft when used in treating OCD... Decreased sex drive. I've been noticing I just don't feel in the mood ever anymore... and it started a few days after the zoloft started... so I finally looked it up. Not only do I not feel like having sex... when I try to jerk off, it takes so long (much longer than usual) for me to cum that it's almost frustrating. Blah.

Anyway, male basement dweller is no longer downstairs, so I must leave for work.

Laters!

Well, I have reason to believe that it's going to be a very fun weekend indeed ^_^. I have a lot planned for it, don'tcha know? *_~.

It starts tonight. After work I have plans to meet up with The Stud at his dad's place, since he's out of town. Tonight he wants me to fuck him. I'm actually excited about this. I really haven't ever successfully done this before ^_^*. It will be a new experience for sure. I was wrestling with those idealistic feelings for a while... "Well... maybe I should wait to do that until I have someone I really care about..." but I came to the conclusion that straight Alan will be a practice boy, and there's nothing wrong with that at all ^_^*. I think that I will have no problem tonight, seeing as how I honestly believe that the reason I had so much trouble with the ex is because I felt uncomfortable and awkward because that webnt against the roles that he had set up from the very beginning. Definitely looking forward to tonight, yay ^_^.

Then tomorrow morning, I'm driving to PA with my mom to visit Chrisitan for the long weekend ^_^. I don't have to work on Monday, so it's going to be great! It's the first time I've ever been in the driver's seat on a trip to PA, should be better than being a passenger, I think. I hate being a passenger on that drive, which is why I usually fly. I'm going to be driving on limited sleep though, which won't be a lot of fun, but that's fine. It'll be a relaxing enough weekend, so that will make up for it *_~.

I've lost about 3 lbs since the last time I weighed into the WiiFit. The only thing I've been doing differently is that I've been taking the zoloft ^_^. It really must be helping with my stress eating, because I honestly feel like, if anything, I've been eating more often. Eating more regularly, I mean ^_^. More healthy in the number of times a day I eat *nods*. I have a small something in the morning, small snack about halfway though the day, then dinner and maybe a snack after that. And I'm still losing weight! Yay ^_^. I'm feeling better too.

I'm planning a weekend trip to Chicago to visit The Oracle the end of June. This will also be fun ^_^. Going to fly there, because I definitely don't want to drive that one O_o*. Have to buy my ticket this weekend. I also have to tell my mom that I'm going, which is making me nervous... last time I did something like this, I ended up dating David... and it was widely accepted as my biggest mistake thusfar by everyone I knew, whether they met him or not. I just have to explain things this weekend though, and Christian can help smooth things over with mom. *nods*

I'm also going to California this summer! Going with Christian ^_^. I'm so excited! Going to L.A. for two weeks in July. July 4th we leave ^_^. He knows someone there, and she has a trip planned, so we'll be staying in her house and she's leaving us a car and everything! It's going to be so much fun, I can hardly wait ^_^.

Well, that's all for now. On GLaDOS at work now, so I'm off.

Peace out!

Wow! Been... something lately ^_^*.

Anyway, don't have a very long time to post this morning... have to get to work shortly...

But I'm just marveling at how thin I look/feel lately... it started yesterday. I can't figure it out actually... I haven't really been doing anything differently that I can tell... I've sort of narrowed it down to two possible reasons... both have to do with the Zoloft. The first is that maybe I'm feeling less stressed (which is what it's supposed to do) and therefor I'm not stress eating like I usually do and slimming down as a result. The second possible reason is... well... maybe the Zoloft is removing the anxiety I have about my weight and allowing me to actually see how I look rather than constantly noticing the fact that this part jiggles too much, and that part sticks out too far... and whatnot...

Either way... I like it ^_^. It makes me feel really good about myself, which is always a good way to feel.

For the most part... headaches, queasiness and fatigue aside... I think it's helping me some. I've been feeling slightly better than usual, a little lighter and stuff. Not quite as negative too.

Going to call the psychologist this morning to get an appointment, because I've been told by a couple different people that the medication isn't enough to combat the OCD, that the meds will take some of the anxious edge off, but without a behavioral psychologist to help break the compulsive behavior, it'll continue out of habit.

Ok, gotta jet.

Catch ya later!

Just got back from brunch with Jocelyn. Had a good time ^_^. Was very pleased with the amount of food I ate... though for whatever reason, I'm actually hungry now... I think I'm probably just bored, honestly.

I'm trying to get back into the habit of updating my journal regularly... just not having a very easy time of it.

Been sleeping poorly lately... I blame this on the zoloft. I'm on zoloft now... for my OCD. Yes... I have diagnosed OCD. I hate it when people say they have it, or think it'd be cool to have it. It's not. It sucks, actually... so... I'm finally doing something about it. Taking the zoloft and going to be seeing a behavioral psychologist. The zoloft is making me feeling queasy a lot... and tired a lot... but then I wake up during the night a bunch of time thinking about stuff that pissed me off throughout the last year that I don't even think about anymore and then I get mad and can't fall asleep again. Agitation is side effect of the stuff too, which is what that whole chestnut is. But... I figure that by next week my body should have adjusted to it enough that that won't be happening anymore.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Laterz!

Really... I've just been thinking a lot lately.

Don't really feel like elaborating right at the moment... but... it's just something that I thought I'd post because... well... I've been away for a while, it seems.

Yeah...

And I really guess that's it. Really.

Nothing more to post as nothing more will come.

Yep, that's it then.

Laterz *_~.

I run from hate.
I run from prejudice,
I run from pessimists,
But I run too late...

I run my life.
Or is it running me?
Run from my past,
I run too fast,
Or too slow it seems...

When lies become the truth
That's when I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
To a new disaster, so I run to you
I run to you, Baby

When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to
I run to you

We run on fumes
Your life and mine
Like the sands of time
Slippin' right on through

Our love's the only truth
That's why I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
To a new disaster, so I run to you
I run to you, Baby

When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to
I run to you

Oh oh, oh I run to you

This world keeps spinning faster
To a new disaster, so I run to you
I run to you, Baby

When it all starts coming undone
Baby, you're the only one I run to
I run to you, I run to you
Yeah

Oh oh, oh I run to you
I'll run to you
Oh Oh

I always run to you
Run to you
Run to"

I really want someone I can run to *nods*.

So...

Just watched the movie "Nights in Rodanthe"...

It was slow... and boring... and... yeah... wanna say trite and cliche as well...

But the last... 15 minutes or so... they were very potent.

Maybe just to me... maybe because I felt like I could understand what she was saying...

About a different kind of love. The kind that makes you feel like all things are possible. The kind that makes you strive to become a better person, and actually helps you do just that. She said that it's very real... and that one should hold out for it.

It made me think of J.Z.... and I cried a little. That's how I felt all of 2007. Like no matter what... everything was ok.

Thing is... and I've wondered this a couple times... could I really feel that way for someone who didn't feel it back? Is that possible? I didn't have anything with him... I had these feelings, but if they weren't reciprocated... then were they really as strong and real as they were to me? I don't know... sometimes I feel silly for thinking of him so much, even now, two years later. I think of him a lot, still... and often wonder where things went so horribly wrong. And then I remind myself that I don't really have a right to think like that... because... well... I don't.

It's a strange kind of thing.

I know what I want... I want that feeling back. I want it to be shared with someone... I don't want to be the only one feeling it. Life is very complicated... we have urges that we feel compelled to pursue regardless of lack of feeling... I wonder about that a lot, actually... about why we feel so compelled to seek out sexual experiences. Why is it such a driving force in our lives...? It can't just be because it feels good. Maybe it's human connection that we seek... but people mask it with sex... in order to make it easier to stomach, in a sense... people, lately it seems, want to need no one. And I don't understand that... people want to believe that they need no one but themselves. That life should be lived independently. That one shouldn't need another person... that one should not claim responsibility for another's happiness... and I don't understand that... it hasn't been like that... people used to realize that a mate was necessary. They are. There's too much that just can't be done alone.

But no.

Now people try to be independent. They are prided on independent thinking... and being loners... it's very confusing to me. Times are changing. The world is changing. Can anyone see that? Things are not like they once were. And I don't understand how I can speak like this... I don't know how things once were... All I know is now... but something feels so wrong...

Sometimes I just can't help but think that...

That something feels wrong...

I went to the bathhouse last night. Alone.

Not a bad experience this time. A quite good one. One that left me feeling good about myself, because young men... young attractive men sought me out... and laid claim to me... in a cute and almost childish way... telling me I was beautiful... and that... well... that my manhood was beautiful. It made me feel that familiar feeling... that realization that maybe I'm not ugly and hideous... I couldn't help but think, last night... as I was showering off... "Can the way I look really be pleasing to some people?" I've come a long way... in regards of how I look... I no longer look in the mirror and think about how ugly I am... and how fat my face looks... and how big my nose is... and how gross those birthmarks on my face are... Sometimes I still those negative qualities and think, "God I look awful today..." But for the most part... I see myself as being relatively attractive. I never thought I'd think that way... I still have a long way to go. I really do have horribly low self-esteem... and I don't really know why.

Last night I did do something I'm not really proud of...

I kind of let someone cheat on their partner with me. No penetration or anything... but still...

He was really drunk... and he sort of lead me to his room, didn't really give me a whole lot of choice. Just started talking to me, then put his hand on my waist and started leading me. I let him. Let him lead me and talk...

He told me about how he almost never comes to the bathhouse... that he's actually got a boyfriend. Boyfriend of three years... But... "He couldn't come in from Jersey this weekend, so..."

I tried to wrap my mind around that one... I froze outside the door to his room... that was when he said that... I thought about it... and in a second I remembered just why long distance relationships are so hard... because that's how I felt when I was with David. If I couldn't make it a weekend, it wasn't any big deal to him. He'd just fuck around with Jenny and that would be just as good with him... made me feel like I wasn't important to him... I glanced over at this William fellow... towel riding low on my hips... and... I asked...

"What's your partner's name..."

"Robert."

He put his hand on my hip and gently pulled me into his room... and all I could think was, 'I'm sorry, Robert...'. I wanted to tell this guy that I don't mess around with people who are in a relationship... but I didn't. And someone wanted to join in, so it was really just a threeway suckfest... which was fine with me. Didn't want to do much more than that, actually... still tender from last week's... incident.

That's why long distance relationships don't work, I think... because people don't remain faithful for the most part... they don't take any responsibility for their mate's happiness anymore... so they figure if they want to fuck around, it's their mate's fault for not being there... or for letting it upset them... because it doesn't have anything to do with their actions...

After that, I sat in my safe zone... I have a safe zone at the bathhouse... a comfortable place where I can go, where I feel safe, where I can relax and not worry about anything happening. The hot tub pool... I just sit there, in a corner, in the warmth, and chill. And think. And relax. I go there after any experience I have... or if I'm just not feeling right about 'cruising' or... whatever... I spend a lot of time in the hot tub, actually...

Really... that's all I want to say about my bathhouse experience. It was fun. Second part of the evening better than the first (the first was with William and his partner in Jersey...). Second was with a cute boy... probably about my age. He was just... fun. And he treated me like I was his, and he didn't want anyone else to touch me. One guy did try, because we were in the theater room... and he grabbed my dick back from him and licked it. It made me think of kids who lick a cookie so that no one else will eat it. It made me chuckle.

So that's that.

Nothing else to report.

I want a boyfriend. Someone I can have a connection with.

But time will bring that to me if it's meant to be. *shrugs*.

That is all.

So... I'm trying to not bring up that whole BDSM thing I was involved in with potential partners of any kind... so what do I do? I take an OKCupid test to find out what my level of kinkiness is... and score "Expert"... ... ...

So now the results are saved for anyone to see... radda radda radda...

Oh well... doesn't mean anything, right?

Right.

Bed.

So...

Much has happened over the past week...

And yet...

Nothing of any import has taken place.

Sunday I went to the bathhouse with Christian.

( Sexual Content )

Anyway, so the week has been uneventful. Been talking with Alan a lot. He pressures me a lot to have sex with him... but I tell him no a lot too. And I'm very proud of myself for that. I tell him no and I stick to it even though he all but begs through text message for hours... when I don't want to, I don't do it. And... I'm so proud of myself for that. David told me a lot of things that he later told me he said he was saying for the excitement. I don't think that was true at all... I think he was speaking truthfully most of the time... the more I think back on the things that happened, and that I let happen... the more I think I was being 'conditioned' to behave in a certain way... which I guess is what that whole slave training thing was all about... but I just didn't understand... I don't really talk about those times that much now... Alys knows a lot about what happened... and I'll say very small snippets to people... but I don't talk about it with possible hookups, because I don't want them to think that's an option with me. I remember after I broke up with David, I found myself touching my neck longingly... I wanted my collar. It was so weird...

Anyway, enough of that.

So yes... not much going on.

Told Alan about bathhouse incident, because he kept pressuring me to meet up with him during the week and I kept telling him I couldn't. Finally I felt the need to tell him why I couldn't. He just told me he'd be gentle and I should meet him anyway... I always find myself with these people... selfish. A line from a Jewel song seems to sum it up.

"I guess you could say I'm one of those {boys}
that's always been with one of those guys...
you know the type, like right now he sleeps while I write.
But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just when he's hungry or frisky
or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean..."

I know, it seems premature to say that... but I've had a few different people express "interest" in me... and it turns out to be only sexual. Don (guy in Columbus), Eugene? (guy in bathroom), Alan (he labels himself as straight, I didn't expect a relationship... but I didn't expect him to always put so much pressure on me and be so selfish...), Gabe M. (haven't done anything with him... selfish in a different way. Always canceling plans and brushing me aside. Made it clear he only wants sex from me). I've got to have the worst self-esteem in the world... I let people treat me like this and then feel bad about myself when they do. People don't realize it about me... because I smile a lot, and I seem so confident when I talk about the exact things I've mentioned here. Like it's how I want it.

I asked my mom to buy me new sheets tomorrow while I'm at work. My spare sheets are bad... they shrink every time I wash them... and now the bottom sheet doesn't fit on my bed anymore... That's a big reason... but really, it's a convenient reason. I'm going to use my current spare sheet bottom in my car tomorrow night when Alan and I hook up again. Have to keep things clean... I'm weird that way. This will help. *shrugs*. Don't know how to have sex in a car... it really is difficult when you're both boys... he wants me to straddle him in the car tomorrow night... I can't figure out how to do that if I'm wearing pants... and I don't want to wear a skirt... Oh well... I'll figure it out. Hope I'm able to take him tomorrow... should be healed enough, but I don't want to tear any still healing tissue... again... O_o*.

I need a change. Galaxy is dying... The restaurant is going under. I don't know how long he can stay open for now... that's what everyone says... but honestly... I don't know if I'm seeing things as they are, or if I'm hoping he's got to close so I can move onto something else without feeling guilty for abandoning him after he hired me back when I needed work.

So that's pretty much it.

Longing for a boyfriend like mad. Want someone to do things with. I have few friends now... Les and I don't hang out regularly... never really have. Jaycie is still mad at me because I didn't go to Rent with her... we almost never talk now... we only do when I initiate conversation. Alys has always been a little aloof and hard to get a hold of... not trying that hard though, since I usually text her rather than call her. Should call her more. J.Z.... I miss him terribly lately. I realized that we'll never be how we once were... and I still love him so much. Still think about him a lot... still want nothing more than to be with him and share the times we once shared... those were beautiful days.

Oh well... only time will tell what I'm supposed to do.

Now I should probably be going to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a very long day indeed... especially if work is as slow as it's been...

Night all.