I'm not a fan of how I look in pictures. Quick critique: My face is too round, I hate my profile (nose is too big and chin isn't nearly pronounced enough), my torso is short, fat, and funny looking, my legs just look small when compared to my torso... like I'm top heavy and I should be walking constantly bent at the waist... and don't even get me started on my hair (which isn't bad if it's straight, but damn I hate the curls... usually looks more like a mop than anything else when it's curly...). Conclusion: I would most definitely not date me...

No, this is not me being down on myself. I have photographic evidence to support my claims. I was just looking through the pictures on my didge from the weekend. two of them aren't bad... the last two taken, both of me laying on my back. There's something oddly hot about one of them (not because of how I look... but because of the pose and the look on my face or something...). For the most part... I just look disgusting...

In other news: I had a great weekend despite some things... But... even though some unfavorable things happened, I think that it all worked out for the best, and I feel good about the outcome.

Friday night, I arrive in Columbus. Knocked a few times, but David was in the shower, so I ended up letting myself in (which I felt a little strange doing, but I didn't want to wait outside with who I was certain was a woman of ill-repute trying to coerce me into things. She was walking up and down the street and when I was in the car she kept trying to talk to me, and the way that she was standing and certain other things about her sort of... well... yeah). Met D and Euphrates.

Saturday was my first pride parade and Comfest. Was good getting out and about. The Pride Parade made me feel sort of weird, actually... it was a very similar feeling to how I felt at that Rupaul thing... like I didn't quite belong there. Everyone else around me was so into it and I was just sort of like... 'well... this is nice, but...' There were some cool things though. And... oddly enough... I shared David's enthusiasm for some of the cars (probably not the extent that he did... His excited naming of the cars went right along with my not as vocalized 'ooooh, pretty!' and 'I want that.' Yes, I was talking about the cars and not people). The Satan Haters made their appearances. I didn't really expect that, actually... I probably should have, but I didn't. Oh... that's a Christian thing... he calls the religious fanatics 'The Satan Haters', because "Let's face it... they're just a bunch of people who decided one day to hate Satan." (don't get me wrong, I'm not a satan lover or anything like that... I just think that 'Satan Haters' is a much more comical way of addressing the fanatics that any of the other terms, so I use it). So... when the one nearest to us yelled, "Turn away from your wicked ways!" I turned and glared at him... and honestly, I thought of many, many things to do at that moment. Not nice things. Old habits die hard, I guess... he met my eyes, actually, and so... rather than the multitude of options that went running through my head initially, I decided on a better one. More meaningful and with a greater message than the other possibilities, though all that was thought of later as I thought back on it. I kissed David. Jenny too, though... that was a 'normal' kiss, so to me it didn't hold as much... strange how that works... but it was still nice *_~.

Anyway, we then walked to Comfest. Very cool. Lots of neat stuff to look at. My favorite part, though, was when the three of us walked down to the water and just laid in the grass while the sound of the drums drifted on the wind. It was a very big deal for me, actually. It was just... amazing. First of all, I was laying in the grass. That's something I don't do because I have arachnophobia... and well... spiders are in the grass, so... yeah. But... more than that, it was just an amazing feeling... laying there on my back with my head on David in the warmth. Feeling the wind blowing my curls around and seeing the light of the sun through my closed eyelids while the sound of the drums and the voices of the people melded and drifted through the air mixing with the scent of weed (That makes me sound like a pothead... I'm not. I do weed occasionally, never by myself, and usually when I'm with Jacie or Christian... but for some reason, smelling that just... it added to the ambiance of this scene somehow). It was great.

On the way back to the car, there was a shift in the wind. I mean this both metaphorically and literally. The weather changed pretty quickly, but along with that came some emotional stuff that I had a lot of trouble sorting out at first. Just felt really, really off at first. Then I wanted to cry. I did, eventually, cry. Twice. The first time was at Reagen's place laying in bed with David and Jenny. I was trying so hard not to, but I just couldn't fight it off anymore, despite trying really hard. I was embarrassed and I didn't want anyone to look at me. That happens a lot with me. When I cry, I hate being around other people. It's rare to see me cry because I only cry when I'm alone (or during extreme circumstances). The only people who I've let see me cry (under normal circumstances) besides my immediate family (and even they haven't seen me cry in a very long time), are J.Z. and David.

So that was the first time that day. The second was later in the evening. I was in the Blue Room with David. I was struggling with stuff, but was doing alright, for the most part, because David was there, and having him there was comforting. Then he was going to go and help out, and... Well, I tried to tell him not to go, but instead I just started crying again. This time, I knew why. And that... well, that doesn't make it easier. In fact, it makes it worse for me sometimes. So... I knew what was wrong, but I couldn't talk about it. It's one of my things... not an easy thing for me to do. Finally I reasoned through something... normally, when I have an issue, I go to the journal and write about it until I come to some sort of solution. Well... it wasn't something that needed a solution, necessarily... but I grabbed my bag and wrote out the things that were bothering me, just listing them, with the intention of giving them to David. They were coded, of course, but there was still enough of the actual issues there in the codes to be beneficial. I still wasn't able to give them to him until he actually asked for the notepad. Even then it was hard. So we talked a little before he fell asleep.

In the morning, we actually talked more. A lot more. I forced myself to talk about one of the big things that was bothering me. 'Seven of Swords'. It's probably one of my biggest issues, actually... and the primary reason I couldn't meet The Oracle when he wanted to... because I didn't trust myself to say 'no'. Anyway... that's a big thing. And... yeah, it's scary. I don't know what it is, or why I'm like that now... didn't always used to be... or maybe I did, and I just never let myself be put in a situation where it would come up... but I basically cannot say 'no'. It's hard to want to say 'no' but not be able to... I have to work on that, actually... Anyway, It's not just that... there are just some things I can't talk about. Even when asked directly, I just... can't. It's not that it makes me uncomfortable to talk about it... it has to do with how I think my response will impact things with the other person. Then there's just a lot of other things that go along with that and other things, basically... anyway, so Saturday was rough, but it allowed me to talk about it the following day, which was a triumph in itself because I was able to talk about it. Granted... I had to use a trick that J.Z. used to do with me... well... a variation of it anyway... he always knew when there was something I needed to say but couldn't talk about... so he would toss me a blanket, and I'd cover my head with it. Stupid, but... after a few deep breaths, I was able to actually talk about whatever it was. Granted, that only happened once or twice, but... it worked. So I hid my eyes, and buried my face so that it couldn't be seen.

Sunday, we went out and about and then did some cleaning. We got things organized and cleaned in one room. It was really something, and it made me feel really good. When we went out to get some stuff, we got some bubbly. That night, David got me 'drunk and stoned' (he says it happened the other way, that I got him drunk and stoned ^_^*). For all intents and purposes, I only had two small glasses. Honestly though, I had more than that. Whenever David was out of the room, I drank more, and I drank it very quickly. I wanted to take advantage of the lowered inhibitions. Anyway... we tried something new that I, despite mildly discussing it in the past a smidge, would probably never have been able to do without the assistance of the alcohol and weed. It was just one of those things, and... well... I'm normally just too uncertain about things. Anyway, it was something different... and I did enjoy it (I think... it's hard to say right now. Might need to try it again just to see how I really feel about it... next time in a more sober state). It was exciting, but I was really nervous, and I was thinking and worrying so much that I wasn't able to really focus on what was happening and really enjoy it. Anyway, after trying the new thing, we went back into the house rules. That was actually more difficult this time than usual. Because of the alcohol and the weed, my muscles were very weak. So... I couldn't hold a position for very long, and... it basically came down to me just laying there. Which I don't like because... well... I just don't feel like I'm doing anything then. Anyway, so we played Parcheesi until after 5 and then we went to sleep.

And now... I am very sleepy and am having trouble keeping my eyes open... so I believe that I will head off to bed. Night all!