Ok... so... it's been a rough morning, actually. That said, I think it's going to be alright.

Went to talk to my mom. She decided it'd be a really good idea to call me at 4:30 in the morning the other night when I was at David's, then threatened to call the Cowtown Police if she didn't hear from me by 9. I wasn't having that. So... I went to tell her that wasn't ok. Yeah. We ended up fighting, but I think we got a lot of things out in the open and have, therefore (and entirely in theory) gotten some things sorted out and things should be better because of that. Spent the last week with David. It sort of... added to the realization that I had before... Thing is, and I don't know what this means or anything like that... but it just seems that... when I'm around my mom and brother... I feel bad about myself and I feel bad in general. Thing is... I think it's nothing that either of them do intentionally... maybe it's just time for me to move on. So... I don't know... we talked and we fought this morning... about a lot of different things. At one point she asked me... partially with an edge of attack, mostly without... if I even wanted to have my room redone in the new house. It wasn't the right time to tell her that I was thinking 'no' on that one... Most things in my life... big things too... are done without my consent... such as the confirmation that I am dating David being given by someone other than myself... I really feel like that's something that I should have been able to confirm and tell people when I was ready, rather than have someone else tell everyone for me (and by 'having' I mean someone took it upon themselves to tell for me...), and... when Les told J.Z. how I felt for him because she thought she was helping that night in the bar. That's something I had wanted to do too... but she took it on herself to do it for me when I wasn't even in the same area as them. I guess... though I don't have regrets... that one comes very close, because maybe things could have been different if I had been able to talk to him directly... been able to speak my case and talk about everything rather than being brought in after the fact to a 'no', where... because of my nature and how I am... all I could do was stare at the floor as he talked and told me why it couldn't work... Anyway, it really bothers me sometimes, how people take it upon themselves to out me on the big issues that I should be the one bringing to people's attention... so I wanted this one to be done under my terms. So... I told her I wasn't sure yet... wasn't sure what was going on and everything, which is sort of true. I have thoughts about things, but no set plans at this time. Even if I did, I would have done the same thing, because I don't want that to come out during a fight. But I think... that I've finally... well... broke free, sort of. She told me that she knows I'd rather be there now than here. And it was as though she meant it in the sense that that's where my life is leading me now, and that she understood and that it was ok. She told me she knows that I'm trying to claim my independence, and that she wants me to do that too, but she wants me to be careful. She also told me she knows when it's time for her to back off, and that time has come.

And I told her about that thing that Les said... when she asked me what I was going to do in 8 years when David decided that he wanted someone younger and more attractive than I am, and my mom surprised me by saying, "I don't think that's going to happen."

And so... right now? I feel really down for some reason. I almost started crying while I was talking to mom... which is when I dug my claws nails into myself to keep the tears at bay. It's something I learned I could do long ago... it's weird, but when I do stuff like that, it prevents me from crying for some reason, provided, of course, that it's not one of those downpours I have from time to time. Actually... maybe that's it. Maybe it's that I didn't let myself cry then, and so now the emotion that had brought that urge up in me is still probably bubbling around inside me for the time being. That actually makes a little sense, now that I think about it.

And so... here I am, trapped in thought.

But it's going to be alright. And... this time... I think I might mean that. I have allowed myself to get lost in a lot of the negativity that's been surrounding this situation, which... is understandable. But allowing it to consume you is never acceptable, as it makes it impossible to think positively and therefore pull yourself out of it.

So many thoughts right now, actually. It's strange... and some of that... well... some of it actually worries me some. It worries me... but it's not something that I think back on negatively. Which... I guess is why it worries me. I shouldn't want that... or think back on it in a positive light. I want to write about it here... but I'm not sure if I'm able to. For a couple reasons... the first being that I recently slammed myself backward. I had believed that I came to grips with the demons that I'd been fighting with for a very long time. Honestly... I had. I did come to terms with those demons, and I vanquished them. But... recently I've been faced with new demons.

and...

the way i'm sitting right now... well... i'm finding that i'm more comfortable sitting like this now than i used to be. i used to only sit like this when i was completely alone. weird actually.

Anyway. So... when I broke down with David because I was feeling like a freak... I realized that I had a few more things I'd have to work through. I don't feel like that anymore, but there are a few things now that are floating around in the back of my head that I need to put to rest. Maybe allowing myself to write about them would help. But I can't do that just yet, because they don't only concern me... so... I'll need to talk to someone about them first.

Woah...

That was a strange rush... talk about a shift in the wind... I'm not writing about something in my journal until after I've had a chance to talk to someone about it first. It used to be that I'd write the things in my journal that I knew that I could never talk about with anyone. And now I find that I have to talk to someone before I can write about it.

That's something else... I'm talking more. Not just in general, but about the things that bother me. With people It's becoming easier. Not just anyone, mind you. Specifically with David. But... I was able to talk about some of them today when I was talking to my mom.

So I stayed with David for about a week. It was a good thing, because... yes, I know what I feel... but it's always been in the back of my mind that it's really easy to have things be good when you've been dating someone for just about six months on the weekends (and phone and internet) only. So it was most definitely a good thing. Reassuring for me. We had a few rocky moments, but honestly... well... those things were really because of lack of communication on both our parts. I think that he thought that I was upset because of something other than what I was actually upset about, and I was upset because I didn't understand why things were the way they were. But it was fine after all was said and done. Anyway, I think that's all I'll say about that here.

Jaycie is coming to my hotel room tonight to hang out for a spell. We'll watch a movie on O'Con's tv and what not. Have to figure out if there's a way for me to hook this stuff up on the actual tv here in the hotel room. Anyway, I'll probably be taking her back to her place by 11:30 or so, so any incoming phone calls (or outgoing, if I don't receive a phone call around that time ^_^*) will be made around then, if that's ok with a certain person *wink wink nudge nudge*.

More to come on the last week later. Right now I think... or rather... I'm wondering if I should eat another peanut butter sandwich or if I should wait until later because I'm sure I'll be eating Mike and Ikes during the movie ^_^*.

Yep. That's all for now. More to come later!

Peace out *_~.